That's Why I'm Not the Iron Chef

Bob and I have been watching a lot of "Ryoori no Tetsujin" lately. That's Iron Chef to you. It's not on the air anymore but many of the episodes are on Youtube, including some fantastic ones on milk, natto (fermented soybeans,) and umeboshi (pickled Japanese plums.) I started to play Iron Chef in my own kitchen, trying to come up with "original dishes that can truly be called works of art." I'm afraid, though, that my creativity is severely lacking compared to anything the Japanese pizza companies can dream up.

I like to read the ads that come through my mail slot purely for humor value. I've never ordered a pizza here, at least not for delivery. Dominos and Pizza Hut do exist here and I think they do a pretty brisk business (pizzas cost 18-30 bucks a pop, so I think they must be making money.) Papa John's is still limited to South Korea, sadly. If any Papa John's authorities are reading this now- GET OVER HERE!

But do not think that the pizzas here are the same as your precious American Dominos. No no no. It has all been reenvisioned, repackaged and renamed for the Japanese consumer. They have the fairly normal ones like Margherita, Pepperoni and Mozzarella, and the "American Special." None of these are on the top 3 "Most Popular" list or the 5 "Children's Favorites." No, to understand what makes a Japanese pizza, you need to go back to the very foundation of pizza. First, take the crust. Crust can be either regular, thin, mille-feuille (kinda like puff pastry, with many layers), or double mille-feuille (that means two thousand layers!) Camembert cheese often makes an appearance, layered between two crusts or sneaking in between the sauce and the mozzarella cheese. Moving on to the sauce- normal tomato sauce is used on about half of all pizzas, and pesto maybe once or twice. But the rest feature bolognese sauce, chili sauce, teriyaki sauce, curry sauce, SPICY FISH EGG SAUCE, and the vaguely named "white sauce."

I cannot even begin to describe toppings to you other than to say: Potatoes. Corn. Mayonnaise. Scallops. Anything goes. And this is at one of the more Americanized pizza chains. Expect seaweed, cauliflower, canned tuna and fried glutinous rice at the homegrown chains. Yes, you can order a la carte toppings, on a normal cheese pizza, but the instructions for doing so take up about a 1-inch width at the bottom of the 2-page menu spread. It seems that is not done here. The pizza topping that sticks up must be hammered down. I will give Japan points for one thing- pizza technology, it seems, has advanced further than in America, and pizzas can not only be divided into halves but QUARTERS. With radically different toppings. And no tipping your delivery guy!

So now with a bit of background, you understand how bizarre pizzas can get. But even knowing all this, and feeling quite original lately in the kitchen, I was gobsmacked when I got the Dominos ad today. Yes- they have figured out a way to combine STEW and PIZZA. Their new "Cheese Ristorante" line of pizzas has 2 options. You can get the Truffled Beef Stew: a pizza crust, smothered with the aforementioned beef stew, covered in mozzarella cheese, and for the finishing touch, dollops of whipped cream cheese adorn the edges like the numbers on a clock.

Perhaps the Tomato Cream and Crab sounds better. It's similar to the above but instead of stew the crust is topped with a tomato cream sauce, crab meat, and broccoli. That is then covered with mozzarella cheese and artistically arranged Camembert cheese. (I don't get it with the Camembert here.) I wish I had a scanner so I could show you the scientific-looking cross sections of pizza, on page 3 of the ad. Oh, and by the way, these cost 4500 yen each, which right now is about $40 or $42. Just can't decide which one to get? Simple! You can order the Half and Half, and try them both. Honestly, if I had my whole life to do it, I don't think I could have ever come up with such a pizza. Bob told me, "That's why you're not the Iron Chef." That's true. Once again, the Japanese Dominos has astounded me with their creativity. I'm not sure why they were never on Iron Chef- though I have a sneaking suspicion that they'd get all points for originality and none for taste. All I know is, I don't want to be eating that middle piece where the stew and crab cream blended together.